Dear Young People,

I know that many of you think my generation (I’m a pensioner) had everything handed to us on a plate. And although we had very different struggles from your generation, it by no way means I’m not willing to impart my life-learned knowledge to a bunch of youngsters who have never had it so good. That’s right, we can all see your free Wi-Fi and cavorting around with that gender fluid. All sounds rather mucky to me! What is a free Wi-Fi anyway? (I pronounce it Wiffy) Is it a cocktail? Anyhoo… back to my main point.

Thanks to the cost-of-living crisis this winter I nearly froze and starved to death. But did I complain? No, I did not. In fact, had I been found alone and frozen as rigid as the lovely Suella Braverman’s policies on immigration, I would have just accepted my lot in life. I always have, even when our hero Mrs Thatcher broke the unions and my husband Terry died of a stroke in his 30s due to the kicking he got off the rozzers on a picket line. Them’s the breaks. We didn’t fight two wars to have such freedoms taken from us.
Had the worst come to the worst this winter (As it so often does for voters like me) I even asked my dear neighbour Brian to speak at my funeral, and say something along the lines of, “Although it was sad that Jean was found frozen solid and starved to death this winter, as a true-blue Conservative and Patriot, it’s what she would have wanted.”

So, with that in mind, I’ve decided to put a list of things that you young people can do to help with the cost of living. Let’s face it you don’t want to die during a cost-of-living crisis because funerals are expensive. And yes, some of my tips do include getting rid of Netflix. Honestly, I don’t even know why you need the fancy telly when BritBox has episodes of The Nazi War Machine or Ms Marple on a 24/7 loop.

Here goes…

1.Free food can be found in unusual places. Now here’s a proper treat for lovers of foreign foods. They’re not for me as I have a delicate palate, but I know you young ones like diversity. Get your hand down the back of the couch and what do you find? That’s right! Bombay mix. My couch seems to be full of the stuff. Nobody has any idea why our furniture is full of this exotic treat. It’s probably a hangover from the Empire and all the folk we invited over. But I reckon there’s enough Bombay Mix in your average couch to feed a family of four for a fortnight. You’re most welcome.

2.Money saving tip number two. It’s that time of year again that few of us can really afford. The kids want toys and your relatives have already started posting you gifts. But you’ve got no money to reciprocate. So what do you do? Hide! That’s right, when Yuletide comes around you must hide at Christmas time. This one’s very simple, you get in the cupboard, get under the bed, and leave a note to family and loved ones saying “I’ve gone to Panama for a bit to check my offshore accounts. We’ll exchange gifts at a later date.” Then you come out a month later, and your loved ones will be so relieved to see you’re still alive that the whole gifts thing will be forgotten about. Bob’s you’re uncle money in the bank. Good-oh. We’re getting on a roll now.

3.Tip number three. Give yourself a skinhead. It’s actually quite a popular look these days, especially among many of my best friends. It particularly suits Nancy who runs the Croydon division of the women’s guild, although she might be stretching it a bit with the facial tattoos. Obviously, this saves lots of money on barbers, most of whom are Turkish these days anyway and you definitely want to avoid that lot. You can even do it with a sharpened shell or just rip it out at the roots. Considering how stressed we all are trying to understand pronouns as fancy as “they” and all these newfangled things, some of you may already be doing exactly that.

4.Tip four. Recycling is always important, but have you considered recycling your own urine? Now, as long as you’ve got access to a tap, and I appreciate some private renters may not, but as long as most of you have access to a tap then that gives you access to an unlimited supply of urine. And kidney stones, if you’re in London. But with the 65 million quid our NHS seems to getting everyday, having them removed will be a piece of cake, surely. As the planet slowly turns into a blazing inferno, water bills are only going to go up. If you ask me access to free water is actually Communism gone mad. It’s time we kicked such stuff back into line. So, here’s the solution, recycle and drink your own urine. Probably best not to drink the first wee of the day as that one may be a little bit tangy.

So there we have it. Please do join me again next week when I’ll be writing about immigrants and showing appreciation for the sadly bygone times of when our Empire went around to bring civilization to other people.