I’ve seen all of the porn that’s online. Tell me a porn video and I’ve seen it at least twice. I’ve finished PornHub: in the end they get married. Oh, sorry, I’ve should have said “spoiler alert.” In the end they get married and he cums on her face, what a classic.

And now that I’ve watched all porn, I can give my informed opinion on the genre.

Professional porn is the minority, and it seems to have a huge problem with incest: the plot is always a dad fucking a daughter, a mum shagging the son, two siblings having sex, two siblings having sex with the supervision of a parent… they now put “step” in front, as a legal loophole, but isn’t it easier to just have a role play in which the two parties shagging aren’t related? Call me vanilla.

Then there’s amateur porn. The majority. I think more than 70% of online porn is amateur porn.

And amateur porn is shit.

I mean, it really cast a veil of embarrassment over me. It’s like when I see Labour during the electoral campaign:

“No! No! It’s not done like that! No, no, no  no!! You’re going to hurt yourself, no! No!”

I don’t like amateur porn because it’s people who shag badly: these men arrive behind these women, it’s not like they’re mounting them, they climb over them, they almost vault over them… and then they start emitting these noises – Hhhhaaaaanf, haaaaanf! – emphysemic, and the women -Eeeek! Eeek! – squeak like an old metal gate. Why women in amateur porn squeak? Give them some WD-40! Eeeeek! Eeeek!

Then you see them, with these positions without any sense, and I get anxious for them, because that guy -sure- now he’s there shagging, but he’s going to spend the night in A&E, because that hip will not hold up. It just will not.

So, I get anxious, I move my eyes from the bodies and I focus on the furniture. 

Which is worse!! Much worse!

Where the hell are people fucking? I noticed the housing emergency in Britan by watching British amateur porn. We shag in horrid houses! Squalid interns, with poor lighting… bedsheets from Argos, I recognise them because I have the same ones.

But, above all, there are loads of people in the UK who shag at grandma’s. Why? The fuck happened to gran?

I’m not joking, couples in their 30s/40s, you see them shagging in these rooms ’70s style, all brown, Brianzolo style… ITV on in the background. 

That’s it, when on the background of a British amateur porn, I hear Ben Shephard presenting Tipping Point, my erection proper lyophilizes… Sands through fingers.