Illustration: Sunny Ross

1% of the world population is richer than the remaining 99% put together. 

I don’t know if we can wrap our heads around that, it’s a gigantic disproportion.

ONE percent of the world population is richer than the remaining NINETY-NINE percent.

It’s obviously the biggest disparity in human history.

But it’s only fair.

It’s fair that things are this way. 

I mean: if all of us get together, we’re more than the majority. We’re more than 50%, more than 70%, we’re even more than 90%… we are 99%, meaning basically everybody. 

Now, if all of us, everybody, united, can’t be richer than a measly 1%, we should just…

…be ashamed and admit that maybe we’re the dildos.

We’re dildos, let’s admit it! Let’s look in the mirror and say it: we’re the dildos!

Rich people are rich because they’re better than us.

I feel like I lost you. Feel the social envy how it chaps your ass, eh?

But it’s true, that’s clearly the case: rich people are rich because they’re better than us!

“But, Gab… I mean: are you on the rich people’s side?”

Of course, I am! I am not a fascist like you guys: I always side with minorities!

And today rich people are the minority more minority there is.

Do you know how many rich people are there, in the world? But rich for real, those that even after you tax them, they’re still rich?

2,275 people.

THAT’S IT!

2,275 people.

At any given moment, there are more people having sex than rich people. 

There are more people with diarrhea than rich people. 

There are more people having sex with diarrhoea than rich people. 

And not only rich people are very few, but they’re getting fewer and fewer. 

If you check the Forbes ranking of the richest people in the word, every year that list gets thinner, thinner, thinner…

Do you know what that means? That rich people are facing extinction.

And so we must save them.

As we did with pandas, today we must do with rich people. 

It’s our generation’s mission!

We need to create a safe zone, a habitat ideal for rich people: no tax zone, I imagine, then – I don’t know – some Jacuzzis, a few supercars… then, what do rich people eat? Ehrmm… Champagne, lobsters… caviar… anyway, let’s create this protected area, and once we have it, we put all rich people there. And once all the rich are there, they need to do only one thing:

SHAG!!

Shag a lot! Because rich people need to reproduce, need to have more kids! They need to have kids like poor people back in the days: 12, 15, 18 children. Rich women are super-rare, they’ll get uterine prolapse for how many rich kids they’ll have to drop! 

It’s a sacrifice, but the world needs rich children, because we need arms that swipe those credit cards. We need rich people, otherwise who is going to pay our salary? The poor? The poor?

Enough with helping the poor, please! Enough! Enough! 

We’ve been helping poor people for years now, and what did we obtain? That help after help now we’re poor as well. 

Us poor people are really bloody annoying! We’re really bloody annoying, still asking, complaining… but what? WHAT!? We’re the majority! 99%! We conquered the world! What more do we want?

Some money.